fear not, Penelope; some things have changed.

the lovely layout is dead.  I don’t have the source files and I wouldn’t know how to put humpty dumpty back together again anyway.  Survived by Fritz von Runte, father (design) and Karolina Lach, mother (typography).  R.I.P.

I am caught in the undertow of study – everything in my life at this moment demands my complete attention lest any one thing slip. No idle hours spent crafting the cheeky novel or digging up family skeletons.  Every minute is spent attending to the here, the immediate and the now at the expense of everything else (and probably my future in some sense).  I am feeling the years accelerate and I am terrified that I lost my balance so easily.  I miss fitness and freedom and time.  But i’ll get there.  I have made some commitments and I will feel infinitely better when they are acheived to completion.  My odyssey has turned – I have escaped the embrace of the siren and am heading home – I reinforce my boat with anything I have to face Poseidon head on in the coming years, whenever that may be.  AT LEAST I have reached some fluidity with my life, the rhythm is natural, so much that I am not conscious anymore of every agonising minute.  I am living now, in present time completely.  Sod the rest for the moment, because it has only given me the perspective I needed to do exactly what I am doing right now.

they must engineer these fucking songs in a lab

i don’t normally get this angry but…

after hearing a certain new track once that shall remain nameless (i don’t want to publicise something i hate), dismissing it and never hearing it again, i just spent what felt like two hours dreaming of a fictional gossip-chick-nausea show that i would never even watch on a sick day, with this god-awful track as the backing. on loop.

i feel violated.

Brazil

In Rio, reflecting upon how much my life has changed. This year has been full of travel and excitement, but 2010 will be about planning for the future. I have so many things left to accomplish. It’s a humid pause here while I drink matte and think about it. I hope I can find time for myself, and to continue cataloguing here.

transit

i’m leaving.  it’s happening. tomorrow i go to Las Vegas to clear out, and then when I return I spirit off to England on the same day.

i’m rendered speechless by the whole affair

changes, consolidation

so much has happened in the course of a few short weeks. i think i’ve lived more in this short time than i have in awhile. it’s the climax of the risk/reward scenario.  i am simultaneously losing everything and gaining everything… my freedom.  i’m so grateful the way it has shaken down, at least today.  lets hope these blessings continue.  and if not, i have resolved myself to the idea that i have enough to give to everyone – every tax man, every punishing homeowners board, every pathogen, every criticizing wagging finger.  i have so much to give to all of you that i can afford to share my money, my time and my love.  i am grateful for the chance, because it means i have survived another day to carry on the greatest purpose, which is to share.  loss of theft isn’t possible when you’re willing to give it all away.

but it’s still a good idea to lock your doors.

Blessings

I’m working 7 consecutive days.  It’s a blessing, really.  The person i’m covering for isn’t well, and I am wishing him well, but I am grateful for the work.  It hasn’t left me much time to mope either, which is also excellent.

This is the year I started redefining the real purpose of risk in my life.  I suppose risk isn’t for profit as much as it is the challenge for growth… the ability to have fun and enjoy the ride.  While I was in Vegas I didn’t gamble any more than $2 at the tables, but my home was a huge gamble and it went bust.  I felt comfortable making it, and I’m still glad I did, but these experiences teach you to be comfortable losing. Obviously I needed that, which is why it kept happening to me.

At any rate, it’s time to become the ant and get serious.  I already have joy in my life – it’s time to get to redefine play and get to work.  Clearly I am not supposed to cool my heels until I finish school and I need to become solvent now.

half employed

i have a job.  is that good news? i believe so. it’s not enough to meet my obligations, but that’s the fault of my obligations and not my job. so it’s time to start slicing and dicing.

the other day i was driving on the highway, still irritated at this situation.  even still, portions of it moved me.  lakes with glacial guises popped through vacancies between barren trees. the simple bleakness had a calm beauty about it when the cars weren’t on the road. pulling over the southern meadowbrook as pink sky grew denser under the pressure of a inky night horizon, the golden lights pulsed and glowed, punctuating a path for me.

it was nice.

i may get a second job.

Strange Places

I have a few interviews lined up for part time jobs.  If I can get two, I can manage to work a full seven days a week and be thankful for the privilege.  It’s getting strange out there. You see a brand new listing, posted a few minutes ago, and the mailbox is full when you send your resume.  If a phone number was listed, I could call but… that’s why a phone number isn’t listed.

I’m leaving the short term apartment I’ve been staying in today to sleep in the guest room at my father’s place. I’ve got some tidying up to do, and I’ll be filling my car with my worldly possessions again and taking a trip to the storage unit.  That place is a little surreal.  The manager is a wise cracking guy, making sexist jokes and thinking he’s charming.  I don’t mind… his facility is affordable and uses cylindrical locks, and there are security cameras everywhere. If anyone steals anything it’s going to be someone who, quite honestly deserves more than my stuff for his hard work.

So here’s to job opportunities still, picking through the wreckage for the fun parts, and moving on.

New York, we meet again…

I’m back in my personal ground zero, outside of Manhattan but within view of the ugly soot-grey boot of a city that used to punish my pretty face.  I kid, but I’m definitely not pleased to be here.  I had just begun a major project – the editing and publishing of some 2-3 boxes of confused notes, dubiously crafted poems and drafts for screenplays that i’ve managed to accumulate in my lifetime and never finish.  So, while most of my things are in storage and I am dealing with other things at the moment, I am going to proceed undaunted with this task.  Not only for the sake of the work itself, but because if I sit around and mope about being back here any longer, I may decide to go back into finance and lose myself in the glitzy world of spray tan and popped collars forever.